My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
