Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
