Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
