You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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