Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
