I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
