party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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