I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Randomize
