I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
