thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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