This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
