So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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