If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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