That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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