Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
