I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
