I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
