my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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