I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
