she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
