take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
