How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
