I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
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When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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