Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
