What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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