I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
