Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
