I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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