i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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