Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
