I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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