my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
