When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
