Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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