marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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