By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
