woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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