We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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