I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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