Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
