he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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