Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
