I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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