why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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