just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
