i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
