so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
