also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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