if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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