Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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