I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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