If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
