I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
