I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
