just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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