for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
